Tough Talk for Adult Caregivers of Aging Parents

 10/8/2009
Tough Talk for Adult Caregivers of Aging Parent(s)

By Eve Kaplan, CFP® Practitioner

Here are some startling statistics regarding the prevalence of a somewhat ignored subset of the US population: adult children caring for their aging parent(s).

Did you know approx. 21% of our adult US population (44.4 million people) are caring for their parents in some capacity? As our population ages, we see that more than 50% of 60 year olds in this country have at least 1 living parent. The average adult caregiver in the US is 46 years old. Nearly half juggle 40+ hour work weeks (and running their own households) with an average of 8 hours/week of care for a parent or loved one. Although the average span of care giving is 4.3 years, 30% of caregivers have been doing so for 5+ years. This process rarely runs smoothly – and rarely isn’t burdened by irritation, impatience or resentment.

Here are some tips for making this process go as smoothly as possible:

1. Avoid Talking Down to Your Aging Parent.

This is a tough issue. What parent enjoys being told what to do by a child (albeit an adult one)? The biggest challenge talking to an aging parent is avoiding triggering the "no" or "I don’t know" response. Aging parents often will stall or reject advice by adult children because their parental control is being challenged. Sometimes this forms a barrier or hurdle that the adult child can’t breach alone.

One helpful strategy is to offer an aging parent 2 clear choices. Example: "Mom – you said you want to continue to live at home but you can’t get up the stairs. You either can consider moving to housing without stairs or invest in a new bathroom and bedroom downstairs for XXXX dollars. Which do you prefer?" This works better than handwringing about the risk of falling down stairs, and dire threats to an aging parent.

2. Outsource Instead of Reinventing the Wheel.

Adult caregivers never were trained to take care of aging parents. How can an adult caregiver navigate through all the confusing information to make decisions on a parent’s behalf? Consider working with professionals (a financial planner, geriatric care manager, elder care attorney, insurance specialist) as a positive way to avoid expensive mistakes. View us and other professionals as "an investment" instead of "an expense." Sound financial, estate and insurance planning could return the benefit of up to hundreds of thousands of dollars – by helping avoid costly mistakes.

3. Be Pro-Active Instead of Re-Active.

Start a "Mom, Dad, We need to talk?" conversation before there are any problems. Cover issues like "their ideas about aging in place" and nursing care assistance. In their later years, do your parent(s) want to be near their grandchildren? Be near friends in Florida? Ask what happens if their money can’t cover their expenses beyond the next 4-5 years? Start a conversation and start planning early – the best strategies (estate, financial, other) are put into place years in advance.

4. Record Relevant Documents Your Parents Have – and Note What’s Missing.

Some parents won’t give financial content info (e.g. how much money they have in accounts) to adult children but determine where their bank/investment accounts are held (and account numbers), real estate holdings, if they have basic estate documents (health-care directives, durable power of attorneys, living wills and regular wills), medical information (physicians, insurance company, medications), other insurance information (policy numbers and company names), the names and phone numbers of financial and other advisors, and the location of important records (where keys to safe-deposit boxes are kept, etc). Knowing this is especially important if you live far away because you may need this information on short notice in the event of an emergency.

It’s not easy to be a caregiver to an aging parent, but following these guidelines will alleviate some stress and may improve the financial implications of caregiving.

Eve Kaplan is CEO and Founder of Kaplan Financial Advisors, LLC, a Fee-Only Comprehensive Financial Planning/Investment Management firm in Berkeley Heights, NJ.